im drinking this country out of the recession.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
