someone get that fucking seahorse.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
