one two three fourrrrnication!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
