I wish I could punch you in the face.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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