Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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