she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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