I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
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