I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
