I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
