where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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