how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
