Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
