Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The air taste purple.
Randomize
