I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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