You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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