You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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