The maid of honor just puked.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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