as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
