Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
