Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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