we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
