Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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