the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
it hurts more in the daytime
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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