So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
