I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
