My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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