I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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