"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
