It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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