I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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