i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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