I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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