Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
