I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I have fence marks all over my body
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
