Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
