fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
