Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
