You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
