If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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