There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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