I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well I just put wine in my tea
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
