We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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