so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
