I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I can't turn off my feet"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
