She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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