i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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