i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
