My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
