My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
