I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Randomize
